


A new chapter

by msdontcare



Category: The Good Wife
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-13
Updated: 2015-03-14
Packaged: 2018-03-17 16:30:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3536306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/msdontcare/pseuds/msdontcare
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alicia broke up with Kalinda after their one night together. How will Kalinda handle the pain? If time is really a healer, will it tear them apart or bring them together?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Writing is a private journey, especially this one. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s theory of “five stages of grief” first came to me in the summer of 2013, when I was basically at the bottom at my life. Writing this story (the current chapter 1) carried me through my own stages of anger and denial. However I never thought of finishing it until two months ago some bittersweet surprise came along. Suddenly I realized I do owe these two characters and myself a closure. Instead of continually exploring the theory of grief stages, in the newly written chapters I was trying to appreciate time as a great magician. This is a saying in China “Those who have made each other genuinely happy should not be apart permanently. “ That's the spirit behind the following chapters. Oh how I hope the saying is true.
> 
> Apparently I just borrowed these characters, there’s no specific timeline according to particular episodes.As the title implies, it's really a new chapter in so many ways. Read it as a new story if you may. English is not my first language, so I apologize ahead for any awkward diction or grammar errors that might bother you.

Kalinda just said “Okay” when Alicia broke up with her.

 

It was a typical L&G morning, associates running wild like they were the only saviors to this sinking world. She spotted a little unusual on Alicia’s face when she’s handing evidence to Will’s office. So she stopped, leaned on the door, concerned: “Are you okay? Alicia?” An ounce of surprise flashed through Alicia’s face, she replied “No, yeah…I don’t know. Umm...Do you mind coming in?” Kalinda came in, closed the door behind her. “I was thinking about last night…””Well, I take that as a compliment.” A smile sparkled in Kalinda’s eyes. Alicia blushed, paused a second and finished her sentence:”I think last night was a mistake. We work together, besides, we are best friends! is that good enough? Let’s just keep that way, ok?” Millions of whys were hitting in Kalinda’s stomach, but she put her last strength on biting her lower lip and determined not letting any of those out. “Questions won’t change anything when an adult woman has clearly made up her mind. They just show your incompetence.” Quoted from Kalinda’s mother when little Kalinda was crying for a pair of fancy sneakers in a mall. She never did that again. She silently stared at Alicia, didn’t blink once. The stare made Alicia chill. She had to lay down her head, putting her eyes on the fine leather boots in front her, which were strangely making tremendous effort to stand still, like the floor was feeding them strong tequila.

 

“Ok.” It’s all the boots’ owner said before she left the room.

 

For days they both have acted as a new leaf has really been turned, as they’ve both reached the painless stage of Alzheimer: selectively forgetting about things.The kiss, the night they fall into sleep together, and the brake up conversation. Kalinda was then on one of Alicia’s pro-bono cases, the plaintiff’s paranoia friends just made the deposition very time consuming. She spent a lot more hours in the office, looking up online, making endless phone calls, pretending to be anyone she’s not to get the call receivers give things she asked for. She had to admit: She was quite at this-being someone she decided to be. The gift gave her jobs, access and even a new life. For a long time she’s quite comfortable even somewhat proud with this talent, until Alicia came up. When Alicia bought her “L&G tradition” story and drank up her tequila with that cute frowning face, she never felt so compelled to reveal her true self, to shout out loud how sorry she was, and how she’s been fall for her since.

 

Kalinda made a break-through in her online searching. She stretched her soaring neck, seeing Alicia was also burning night oil in her office. She hesitated for a few seconds, but still, she found herself standing outside Alicia’s office, hitting the door frame with two bottles of iced beer. “Hey, I found something.”

Before Alicia’s mid-opened mouth could say anything, Kalinda sneaked her way to Alicia’s side. ”May I?” She slightly pulled Alicia’s computer closer, put a website address in Safari and began to talk about the new findings over the iced beer.

Alicia was totally lost at the moment Kalinda bended over and basically laid her head inches away from her chest. Kalinda smelled like a lotus, which was born in a pond full of beer, spent its innocent youth playing with reflections of a thousand-year-old temple and a white humid sun. Distant and mysterious, but so very tempting. Alicia decided to call anyone who would claim lotus flavor was good for calming you down the stupidest person in the universe.

Kalinda didn’t notice the woman beside her nearly stopped breathing (if she did, she sure hid it well). She continued to talk, and her breath was flowing into the air as the lotus stretching from the pond: Its vine intimately climbed around Alicia’s neck, higher on each word, tighter on each syllable she spit out. For one second Alicia swore to God the last piece of her was strangled to a peaceful death. Risking her life either way, Alicia took a deep breath, left the lotus diving into her dry mouth, and dared to peek aside. From the furthest sight of her eyes, the view stunned her: Kalinda was wearing one of her sexy leather jackets, with zippers opening down to her chest, the silver clevis necklace shining on her brown skin like a sign in front of a forbidden path. Alicia wondered where it might lead to.

The inappropriate curiosity almost made her faint. She pulled together her last strength to form letters:” Kalinda, you are in my space…” Kalinda turned her face around, the disappointment behind those long eyelashes bite Alicia’s heart hardly. “So now working together is off limits too? What’s next? Tell me.” “The beer, your comfort intrusion in my space, this intimacy is not just work, you must have known that. We’ve talked about this…The other night” “Yeah, you mean the time YOU talked, to me.” Alicia confusingly looked at her, had no idea the disappointment would turned to anger so quickly. She had to finish the sentence before she yield to the lotus in her chest: “Sorry, Kalinda. We cannot be doing this.”

 

Kalinda stood up. Cold air suddenly filled up the vacuum between them. Alicia chilled a little. “What are you afraid of? Alicia.”

 

Everyone in L&G noticed Kalinda’s been different these days. She shouted at one of the assistant just for entering her office. She simply refused to help Diane with her personal matter. She’s been quieter even than her normal self, sneaking in and out of the office like a ghost.

 

A week later, it was an evening that L&G won a big class action suit. They were celebrating on the 27th floor, normally Kalinda would avoid circumstances like this, but on her stepping out of the office, she saw Alicia, wearing her red Armani pant suit, smiling and drinking among all her colleagues, all but Kalinda. She acted like she never noticed the missing of her ex beer-buddy.

 

“Care for a drink?” Cary’s knock on the door temporally held her furious inside before it burned her to ashes. She stepped out of her office, naturally took the drink Cary brought for her, squeezed a fake smile. “What’s going on with you and Alicia?” Cary asked. “Why do you think there’s something going on?” Cary shrugged with an isn’t-that-obvious face. “You didn’t do anything stupid, did you?” “Like what?” “You know what I mean. For god’s sake, she’s married. And probably still seeing Will..She’s so complicated. I don’t want you get hurt.” There’s genuine concern in Cary’s eyes. Kalinda finally looked at his eyes.”I won’t get hurt. Don’t worry.”

She gave Cary back the empty glass and walked into the crowd in the middle of the room. She took a glass of scotch from a blond caterer. “Didn’t know we’ve hired a supermodel to do our little event.” Kalinda put on her flirting face, confident enough that she has locked Alicia’s eyes since. Just after Kalinda slipped the blonde’s number in her bra, she heard the voice she’s been expecting:” Kalinda, may I talk to you for a minute?”

Kalinda didn’t show any expressions, she turned around, silently followed Alicia to a conference room.” What do you think you were doing?” “Doing what?” “Talking to the caterer like you wanted to rip off her clothes right there. Her hands were all over you!” “Uh，were they? Guess I should call her sooner then.” Kalinda’s indifference made Alicia furious. Wasn’t Kalinda the one who’s been agitated these days? “People were talking things, Kalinda, people who are important enough to your career. I just think someday you should begin to care a little. That’s all.” Alicia walked out, regretting this stupid conversation; she should’ve known this couldn’t lead to anywhere. “I’ve already exhausted my care. Turns out it was so overrated after all. Maybe someday YOU should stop caring for a change.” Kalinda grabbed Alicia’s arm, turning her around, and dropped one of her hardest kisses on her lips.” You know how much I hate you always put other people’s thoughts before your own desires? Very, very much.” Kalinda’s words hit her teeth, the familiar mixed flavor with scotch and cinnamon. Yes, she remembered the flavor from that night. All of Alicia’s cells yelled for more, but the last sense of rationality pushed Kalinda away, as hard as Kalinda’s kiss. “Kalinda, NO.”Alicia anxiously wiped off her mouth and looked outside the glass wall: fortunately, the crowd had no idea of what had happened here. Kalinda didn’t argue this time, her licked her lips, smiled almost proudly, and then she left.

 

Kalinda vanished. The next day after party, Will tried her phone for her input on a case, the call went straightly to voicemail. He figured she may need a day or two to do her Kalinda’s stuff. The second day, Cary began to worry, he went to her apartment, the bars they usually went, no one had heard from Kalinda. Will sat with Diane and left several concerning as well as kind of threatening messages, still nothing. Perfectly minutes before the 48 hours window of filing a missing people report, Will got a message on his phone.”I quit, sorry.” He immediately dialed back, and a deadly cold voice informed him that the number was no longer in service..


	2. Chapter 2

The lotus in humid pond of beer had persistently rooted in Alicia dreams. The first week after Kalinda’s disappearance, the lotus occurred almost every day. The feeling of drowning rapidly to the bottom of the pond and then instantly being pulled up to the summit of Everest with Kalinda’s murmur in her ear was so vivid that Alicia most of the time waked up feeling herself soaked. Kalinda became the alias of her arousal, and the forbidden name of her excitement. Every time when Alicia beard extreme hunger after a long day, felt fierce angry at another dirty move of the prosecutor, or simply got thrilled over a interesting case, the excitement would pull strings in Alicia’s body and forced her to remember Kalinda. Oh Kalinda! She hated that the last souvenir Kalinda left was the taste of her lips.

Months after Kalinda left, Kalinda occurred less and less frequent in her dreams. When someone mentioned her name unintentionally, she could almost successfully put up a straight face and talk about it. The mysterious, highly competent, rumored to be gay, ex-investigator. They were the most common adjectives people would put in front of Kalinda’s name. Alicia nodded her head and smiled. The real Kalinda she knew, the softness and the metallic taste of her, her watery eyes and silky black hair, her childish smile when Alicia couldn’t help to scream under her fingers, all of these were becoming more and more distant and unreal through time.

She didn’t count days of Kalinda’s leaving, However, on the day that she received a text on her phone which read “Do you care for a drink after work?”, she saw the sender was Kalinda and immediately realized that this was the two-year anniversary of Kalinda’s disappearance. Two fucking years. Alicia almost dropped off the phone, After a lifetime, she texted back “ Where?”

They met at the bar they met on the Alicia’s first day in L&G. and like always, when Alicia arrived, Kalinda was already there, having two shots of tequila before her.

“Hi.” Kalinda smiled.  
“Hi.” Alicia couldn’t believe this was happening.  
“ What are you up to these days?”  
What followed this question was almost half an hour of Alicia’s compliants of her new firm, her running for prosecutor, her tedious components and ridiculous campaign anecdotes. She went on and on, and the simile on Kalinda’s face was never fading away.  
Alicia finally paused, realized something, “Aren’t you surprised that I am a name partner of my own firm?”  
“No, not at all. I saw this coming when I first laid eyes on you.”  
“And the running for the prosecutor? Don’t you think I’ve over pushed myself? Even Diane thinks I shouldn’t be running anymore”  
Kalinda’s smile grew deeper; gently she went, "I think you’ll do a terrific job.”

Alicia gratefully looked into Kalinda eyes. Gosh how she missed this easy conversation that free of any calculation.  
“Opps, I was talking about myself too much! How are YOU doing now? Where have YOU been?”

“Nothing worth mentioning. I am glad you’re doing so well now.”

That’s Kalinda. Alicia thought, who was always worrying about others, helping others out and yet concealing her own feelings.  
“Couldn’t you at least tell me where you went? We were worried sick about you.”

“I was here, in Chicago.”

“What? Why did you tell me?”

“You didn’t want me there, remember? I was not that pathetic. I was hired by David Lee off book, the job was not so glamorous, but the pay was okay. “

“David hired you to look into our lives did he? “ Alicia said in a sarcasm tone.

“Well, yours was the least effort consuming. That I can assure you”

Alicia blushed, feeling ashamed for how once again she shifted the conversion onto herself. Running for office did change her. “Narcissists make good politician candidates”. At least that was Eli told her repeatedly.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you when I said we should stay as friends.”

“I don’t know how to be your friends anymore, not after that night in my apartment. I couldn't be a wallflower pathetically watching you being indifferent towards me. Well I’ve tried for a while, it’s really hurt. It seemed you were pretty okay with us being back to “friends” though.”

From her bottom of her heart, Alicia knew Kalinda’s being honest. Everything altered after that night. New world had blossomed for her, new territories had been conquered, where no matter how hard they would try, friendship had sank deeply into the ocean that night. Maybe for days, weeks, they would pretend- at least Alicia know she can- to be friends, but eventually, the pretending would be overwhelmingly unbearable that their relationship could only go to two extremes: they went to bed again, or they would be stranger than an orange to a zebra. Alicia had to admit, Kalinda’s leaving wouldn’t be the worst decision. It’s quite considerate, really. After all, they were here drinking like old times, before the night hadn’t complicated everything.

“No, it actually didn’t…” Alicia wanted to tell her about her countless dreams of her. How she woke up sometimes wishing she had made another decision and Kalinda didn’t leave.

Those unsaid words were apparently readable for Kalinda. Her gentle eyes murmured “I know, I know…”

“How are you Alicia? Apart from you work, how are YOU?”

“I’m okay. “ The serious concern on Kalinda’s face astonished her, she had to take seconds of thoughts before she split the words she thought to be true. Though it still didn’t sound genuine. She paused, “I’m doing GREAT. Zack’s off to Yale, Grace’s turning 18 next month. Pretty soon I’ll live alone, I don’t know whether I should be going out to celebrate or close the door and cry all day.”Alicia laughed.”How about you? Is the FBI lady still in the picture?”  
Kalinda bathed in the little amount of jealousy behind that question for a second. Smirkly, she went” No. we split up. Turned out she’s not the one after all.”  
“Why? Come on, I want to know more. When did you split up?” Alicia forfeited her common sense of honouring privacy and probed the question.  
“A year ago, I guess. Being with her was easy, I had to admit. She was honest to herself and to me, and she really cared about me.”  
Alicia wondered if the FBI lady had seen Kalinda naked, stared in awe when Kalinda put her hair down for the first time, and noticed her almost empty fridge with only a bottle of milk the next day. Alicia wondered if they had being “honest” with each other on the same grey knitting sheets she saw. The barrage of memory pieces were stabbing her collectively. She subconsciously put one of her arm on her stomach.  
Alicia expressed the shivering and acrid tone in her voice, cleared her throat. “Then why did you split?”  
“May be she noticed I was not into that relationship like she was. Unbalanced devotion is the cruelest killer in a relationship. Take one to know one. I can’t stand to put her through the same sufferings I had anyway.” Kalinda shrugged, concealed her face well that Alicia cannot spot any sorrow on it.  
A brief silence occupied the air.  
“Aren’t you curious why I wanted to see you today?” Kalinda had never been the aggressor, but she was at this second.  
“Yes, of course. But I assume that when you ready to tell, you will. I can’t force a answer out of you, can I? I never succeed anyway.”  
“Huh, like two years ago you were trying to ask if I was gay. Your effort was so adorable, I’ll give you that. ”  
Alicia blushed. Kalinda had never answered that pacific question.But none of it mattered now, the answer had proven all its credibility through Kalinda’s mouth in another way.  
“So, why are you here? Having some business in town? And remember your old friend?” Alicia signalled the bartender and ordered another drink.  
“You can’t believe that do you? I mean, we haven’t existed in each other’s life for two years! Alicia..I don’t know your definition for old friend, but for me, the one once shut me off doesn’t count.”  
The acrid tone was so uncalled for. Alicia thought, YOU were the one allured me to ask you the question. She sipped some of the margarita, out of a slight guilt, she didn't say a word.  
Kalinda stared her. That x-ray kind of stare steadily examined Alicia from inside out and through time and space. Finally Kalinda’s eyes softened, she sighed “ I still care about you, Alicia. For a million reasons that I shouldn’t, I still do. How pathetic am I now.” She put an envelope on the table.  
Alicia curiously opened the envelop, a few photos slipped out. The photos were featured with Peter and Ramona, Alicia’s friend and now one of Peter’s working staff, smiling intimately behind a hotel window.  
“I found this accidently in one of my cases. I don’t want you to know it from the TV news. Though I might be the least appropriate person to bring this to you, I just can’t bear the thought that you got hurt again. Don’t hate me for this, Alicia. Or hate me anyway, we are no longer best friends nor co-workers, what is there left to be damaged, right? ”  
There’s a smile on Kalinda face, her voice was, however, shivering. No matter how hard she was trying to suppress it, the fear of it was too abundant to dismiss for a proficient lawyer.  
Suddenly Alicia remembered this kind of tone from Kalinda: when Alicia confronted her with her affair with Peter, Kalinda's voice was fragile as it's now. Sadly, she was too furious to notice it, under which lied an ocean of fear. “ I met you and I liked you. Alicia” How fearful she must be when saying this to the woman that already hated her guts.  
Tenderly, she looked at Kalinda and said“ I’ve already known this. The campaign manager showed it to me days ago. I talked to peter. Talk is AKA for yell if you are running, by the way. It’s solved nicely, at least my team was convinced. As long as Peter and that woman can behave like they promised, we’ll be okay.”  
Don’t be afraid. I’m not going be mad at you. Alicia held back her impulsion of bursting those words and holding Kalinda’s hand with comfort. Instead, she continues, “ I’m glad you brought me this though.”  
There seemed to be tons of cargos instantly removed from Kalinda’s face. Her smile travelled from centre of her transparent body and shined freely. “Really? It’s nice” Her tone, on the other hand, was bland as always. The sharp contrast amused Alicia. Without anger, she could finally picked up what Kalinda really meant. She wondered how much of these moments she had overlooked. “Really” she said.  
Their smiling eyes melt into each other’s. The silence was so natural and comforting like it could last to the end of the world.

“What are you doing next?” Kalinda asked.  
“Honestly, I don’t know. Diane and Cary just made a collaborate decision that I “need” a week to deal my personal matters, obviously they are serious about I shouldn’t running the campaign.”  
“Have you decided about how to spend the week then?”  
“Other than calling Eli and my campaign manager to bitch about it, No. not yet”  
“Do you think they can spare you for a week too?”  
“Why? What do you have on your mind?”

Kalinda firmly took her hand; put her whole body strength on it like Alicia would disappear on her in a blink.”  
“I have two tickets waiting for India. They were gifts from some of my distant relatives, inviting me to attend some wedding. I was gonna throw them away, apparently. But now I’ve changed my mind, I would very much like to go there with you.”  
Kalinda straightly watched into Alicia’s eyes, trying to scoop the answer from her eyes.  
Instinctively Alicia wanted to say no, Kalinda having relatives was suspicious enough. But at her glimpse of Kalinda's hand on hers, all answers were frozen insider her.  
It’s a tattoo of a date on Kalinda's wrist. 2012-8-18  
Kalinda didn’t believe in tattoos, “My body is a temple” that’s her comment once on one excessively tattooed client.   
Alicia’s lingering sight on her arm were burning like hell. Kalinda brought her own lips near Alicia’s ear, whisperred:  
“I got it the day we woke up together. I want the memory to hurt.”

The same fragrance and the lethal tickle around her ear brought Alicia back to Kalinda’s grey room on that treacly evening of August. In the mysterious adventure in a moister forest, their uncontrollable thirst drew them into a crisp stream of spring water. Exhausted, exhilarating, excessive intense they went, on and on to the origin of the stream. The gate to heaven opened when they both reach the summit. And that’s when Kalinda bit her on the shoulder: to certify what just happened was earthly real.  
Memory did hurt. Each time Alicia remembered a small piece, the sharp contrast with the present just suffocated her. Time must be the master of “hide and seek”, things Alicia thought she’d put behind in her deepest and furthest mind, when time was right, they were flushing out so uncontrollably as a decapped oil drill.  
The near shore was appealing, fishes and seagulls were trapped, grounded in the coarse sand, desperately crying for a miracle.  
Alicia slowly took up Kalinda’s wrist, dropped a gentlest kiss on the inked number.  
The drill was capped again. Seagulls scrabbled and flew up to the sky, singing anthems among the clouds; Fishes jumped into the waves and then bounced out like it’s the first time they realize they can swim.  
“Shall we leave to the airport now?”  
“Okay.” the smile on Kalinda’s face is the brightest thing after a prolonged rain season. And that’s all she said.


	3. Chapter 3

On the fourth day of their trip in India, they hiked to Amber Fort hours before sun set. Finished visiting all the palaces, they tiredly sat beside one of the highest windows in the fort. Soon it got dusk. Of the color of pressed grapes, the sky looked like a carnivorous flower, glittering over the tangerine houses and golden trees. Rapidly the sun turned the sky burgundy red, the color of love and Alicia’s favorite winter coat. 

The view made they both speechless. When the sun had completely fallen into the hills, they finally draw their sight back. A group of India teenage girls were walking towards them, 13 or 14 years old, wearing traditional saris, giggling, curiously watching at them when they passed by. Alicia noticed a short girl in the group, who was the only one wearing western clothes: a tee shirt and a pair of jeans. Unlike her friends, the little girl politely nodded and smiled at Alicia when their eyes met. She was walking much slower than her mates like she was hesitating for something. Then, oddly, when she was far from her friends, she went directly towards Alicia and gave her a flower which she must pickled just moments ago--the root was still fresh. Alicia surprisingly took the flower and watched the girl running to her friends. 

It was a white daisy, a common flower in any fields in India, and in US too. Alicia held it closely, the last light of the day made it shining as gold. 

“I wish I knew you earlier.” Alicia suddenly said. There were millions of regret in these words.“I’d love to see what you looked like at that age.”

Kalinda smiled, didn't say a word.

It was completely dark. The new gold of moon and stars were dominating the sky, looking upon the bullion of city lights beneath the fort.

“We should probably go.” Alicia said.

Kalinda stood up, offering her hand to Alicia. “Come with me.” 

They stopped in a palace they’ve already visited, where the four walls and the ceiling were all covered with fragments of mirrors. Kalinda put a lighter out of her pocket, the fire instantly splashed asunder of countless fires on the walls, on the canvas of darkness, and on their bodies, from head to toe. Alicia wondered whether it was the gate of heaven, whether it was the end of the day, the breathtaking death of the word in front of her eyes.

With Kalinda's hand still in her hand, Alicia murmured:"Don't ever disappear on me again. "

"The girl you wanted to know is here, Alicia. All pieces of me, they came together because of you and for you. We’ll never leave.”

**Author's Note:**

> This piece is dedicated to the person who inspired me to write this 2 years ago and also to finish it now.


End file.
